Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Firing Our Therapist

Mr. Lesbian and I fired our couples therapist this week. Or rather I should say that I fired our couples therapist. Mr. Lesbian wanted to tell him that we couldn't afford to keep seeing him. I couldn't allow a lie to be the basis for leaving therapy. I knew that it wasn't working. Working with couples is my specialty, so I know good couples therapy when I see it, and I wasn't seeing it. For $150 per 50 minute session, and for a couple in crisis (you could tell we're in crisis, right?) you expect something more to happen than the therapist colluding with your avoidant partner by discussing politics and health insurance woes. I've had to work much too hard to keep the therapeutic ball in the air during our sessions, and over the period of one year, not enough help has been provided for me to feel that continuing with him was worthwhile. Mr. Lesbian probably got more from it than I did. As we were leaving the therapist's office building, Mr. Lesbian turned to me and said, "God, you're so fearless! How come you're so brave?" I had to reply that I'm not fearless. I was very scared to tell the therapist that we were terminating with him because his therapy had been ineffectual. It's hard to tell another shrink that - but I feel strongly about my personal and professional integrity. Slinking out of there with my tail between my legs just wasn't an option. Plus, here's the thing, gals....I realize that if Mr. Lesbian can't even be straightforward and non-avoidant with a therapist, whose very job description is about making a safe place and encouraging dialogue, what hope for my relationship with h/ir?

While chatting online the other day, my best friend said to me "So when are you going to end this thing?" and I realize that it's almost inevitable that the end will come. I think I want to be with somebody who wouldn't lie their way out of a strong feeling.


Blogger Jamie said...

it's actually quite sad to read that, nothing worse than that feeling of waiting for the other one to end it

1:57 AM  
Blogger Sapphique said...

Jamie, if you've read the story of Mr. Lesbian and I in earlier posts, you can see that I have given it the old school try. This is our third couples therapist. Each therapist tells h/ir to do h/ir own work in therapy. The problem is that s/he has no emotional IQ - s/he conceptualizes the world in financial terms and there's no room for affect. (Remember, s/he's a republican?) Regardless, thank you for your empathy for our situation.

9:14 AM  
Blogger outsidemymind said...

Heart going out to you there Sapph...hard to break ties with someone you loved and still do is so hard to be the only one caring enough about a relationship to try...although ending a relationship is like a death...good usually comes from it for both parties...I wish you well, actually both of you well...and always believe in the Phoenix

3:03 PM  
Blogger Val said...

Having lived in a 22 yr relationship with someone who was my best friend but no real passion for, I finally had the courage to leave 2.5 yrs ago - scared the crap out of me! But have since met someone that I am truly happy with.
You'll know when it's time to go or if you need to stay. Good luck in your journey.

7:08 PM  

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