Not Married in Maine

As I mentioned in the previous post, Mr. Lesbian has arranged a weekend away for the two of us and we are going to stay at a classy hotel somewhere in Northern Maine. Okay, not that I wouldn't tell you if I knew, gals - I honestly don't know where or the name of the hotel. It's all very hush, hush. S/he did this as a treat for me because I don't take enough vacations and was complaining that I'm tired all the time. Yes, it is very generous. I should at this point mention that Mr. Lesbian is very good at buying gifts and spending money. S/he isn't good at being loving and thoughtful, and expects big expenditures of cash to take the place of affection, connection, intimacy and authentic bonding. S/he truly is a man. (I'm more than a little jaded, I guess.)

On top of this, I believe that Mr. Lesbian thinks that a weekend away will re-kindle flames that flickered out yeay these many months ago. If this had been 4 years ago even, I would be excited at the thought of a weekend away in a hotel. Now, I'm not looking forward to it. I feel as if I'm constantly raining on h/ir parade. But it really is too little too late. Sometimes when the flame flickers and dies, no amount of huffing and puffing can make that baby spark up again. I've just spent too long feeling first sad, then scared, then hopeless, then sad, then scared again, then angry - angry some more, and some more, and some more. And now, I don't care. (Okay, maybe I'm still a little angry, which means I'm still engaged.) Please don't think I'm heartless - I'm not. I have been so patient, too patient and for too long. Not only that, but I have been treated very badly and I don't trust that s/he will be able to sustain treating me well.

Anyway, here in Massachusetts we're legally married. In Maine, as far as they're concerned we're just a couple of gals with no civil rights to speak of. It's going to be strange to drive across the Massachusetts border and realize that we are no longer married. I'm expecting to feel like I ran out for the newspaper and forgot to put on my pajama bottoms.