Thursday, October 12, 2006

Maine is beautiful

I had forgotten that Maine is beautiful. The shoreline reminds me of Wales, with its majestic, tree-covered mountains crawling down to rocky shores - the combination of mountains and salt water is one that I love dearly. The weather was beautiful on our trip away. Cloudless, China blue skies were above us for the whole weekend . We admired them as we rode around in the convertible, hair-blowing, music humming. Remember that this was October - in Maine! Those last three words are not something that you would associate with riding around in a convertible with the top down.

The inn we stayed at is run by two older lesbians who are confirmed, almost obsessive, anglophiles. Their vacations are spent in England, and both of them collect china and pottery. As a result, the whole Inn was smothered in English china plates, cups and bowls. On top of this, I have never seen so much chintz fabric in one place - it looked like
Liberty's in London had exploded in the house. The breakfasts were incredible - French toast with wild Maine blueberries, candied walnuts and Maine maple syrup, Dutch pancakes with fruit and yogurt, steaming pots of PG Tips tea, poured into porcelain cups and saucers. Just delectable.

I didn't want to enjoy myself, in part because I didn't want to let down my guard with Mr. Lesbian. I've learned to protect myself from hir and I'm horribly defended. This is not my normal relationship style - I'm open, candid, speak my mind and don't back off from a good debate. With Mr. Lesbian, I practically disappear myself into a small, dark hole. I didn't do this on our weekend away. For the first few hours, I felt like I was weaving and bobbing, avoiding potential angry outbursts in the way I've come to expect of our time together. Nothing. S/he didn't lose hir temper once and by the end of the first day, I was beginning to enjoy myself. This was more like the person I met and fell in love with all those years ago. And gals, we actually touched in bed that night - nothing sexual. But we cuddled and I can't tell you how major this is. Normally we lie on our own side of the bed, not even kissing goodnight. This was a change, a tentative attempt to connect. I wasn't ready for sex, sweet readers. But I felt myself having "willingness" to feel sexual, and this is a goddamn big f***ing deal, let me tell you.

We ate lobster and salad. We walked along arm in arm through the streets of Bar Harbor, looking in stores, admiring the local Tourmaline gem stones. We sat and had coffee in a wonderful internet cafe, and talked about our plans for our new house and what was likely to come next. I felt myself feeling emotionally generous for the first time in a long time, responding to hir good treatment of me, feeling myself open up towards hir.

Three days later, we are heading home. On the drive, despite the beautiful day, the almost painfully blue sky and soft, balmy breezes, my heart was heavy. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's four days since we returned, and while she has retreated a little, it's nowhere near the level of distance that s/he usually maintains between us. I don't know what changed. My normal style is optimistic, but I've been slapped back too much and am nearly out of hope. I'm waiting to see what happens. But it was a wonderful weekend.


Blogger outsidemymind said...

Glad you enjoyed your time away from home. It sounds like Mr.L did hir research concerning this B&B for you...
I wish you well...although I am sure impossible try not to waiting for the other shoe to drop...if you can

11:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So who really is maintaining the distance? You are the one that said you "didn't want to enjoy myself".

You both sound frosty, maybe not always at the same time, but you aren't sounding like you really ready to maintain this relationship at all.

As they say in Maine: Sh*t or get off the pot. Otherwise your going to freeze your as# off waiting.

Unsolicted advice, maybe, but hey, you have gone public with this. If you were my "partner" (are you really hir partner anymore?), I wish you would be honest with me instead of playing this charade. Glad you are not my friend, therapist, or partner.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Sapphique said...

Anonymous, I appreciate some parts of your reply and I think you make accurate observations. In the last year I HAVE maintained distance, in part because it was time for me to stand up for myself instead of taking it in the jaw. As a result things have escalated between us. When I think about this as a therapist, I don't consider the change a bad thing. From inside the mayhem, it doesn't *feel* so good, but it is a much better place for me to be - standing up for myself, instead of taking a victim stance. You also make some big assumptions, one being that I'm not being honest. There is nothing that I've said on this blog that I haven't talked, or tried to talk, about with Mr. Lesbian. You, however, snipe from behind the label of "anonymous." You appear to be taking this blog remarkably personally considering that you don't know me or Mr. Lesbian. If you were genuinely interested in the dynamic between myself and my partner, there are other (very different) questions that you would ask. As it is, you are content to pass judgment based on a few pages of text.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

I think it's so much harder to be part of a trans couple, the problems that come with it are so much greater. The world is only now begining to accept lesbian and gay people, I fear trans people are a long way off being accepted.

A couple that we know (lesbian couple) One half is now starting the journey to change genders, although he's always felt more male than female. For him that's great, he's getting towards where he needs to be. But what about his partner?
It took her years to admit to herself that she is a lesbian, now suddenly she's dating a 'guy'

She's now having to re train her brain into seeing herself as a straight woman again because her partner is now 'male' it's a hell of a head fuck for either party.

Maybe somewhere inside you're having a simular struggles?

Glad the time away was enjoyable though, maybe you both need to get away more? At home there is always too much to distract us from what needs addressing.

4:33 AM  
Blogger Sapphique said...

Jamie, there are definitely struggles involved with being a lesbian involved in a relationship with somebody who considers themselves male (but who on the outside at least is very female.) It is a challenge to twist my head around the idea that this person, this woman (as I thought) that I fell in love with perceives themself in the world so differently. I will be writing more about this. It is a vulnerable place and one that I smush around in constantly. I don't see myself as a straight woman, although I know that this is the direction some lesbians go in who are involved with trans ftm's. However, I did TRY to think of myself as straight for a while - and it has made me second-guess myself a lot More on this..meanwhile, you're right when you say that at home there is much to distract us from issues that need to be focussed on. It's also good to be in a place that helps you remember the things that brought you together in the first place. I think we got back a little to that place together.

1:24 AM  

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